“I became a widow in October 2020. ... When you lose someone close, it forces you to think about how you’re living life.”
I became a widow in October, 2020. Married at 23 and 26, my husband, Mike Kelley, and I were married for 35 years. A combination of luck, hard work and the ability to laugh at life’s challenges all made for a great run. Raising four kids with our own busy careers made life interesting and full. Our marriage wasn’t perfect, it was pretty darn great. We all miss him terribly.
When you lose someone close, it forces you to think about how you’re living life.
We’re still at the beginning of a new year, and, no matter what month it is, there’s always time to take stock of where you want to go, with your career, and your life outside work. I recently got the opportunity to see Bruce Springsteen in concert, and something he said stuck with me. He said, “You gotta make the most of now.”
I want you to consider living full-time, with intention, including time for rest and renewal.
Our paths to full lives with careers and kids started like so many others. I grew up in a single-parent home, my mom raised 4 kids working full-time in minimum wage jobs. She received financial support from our dad, but not enough to raise four kids. I was the first female in my family to go to college.
Mike went to a Catholic high school on a work study program, taking two city busses to school. He went to college on scholarship for basketball/academics and worked three jobs while going to law school. We eloped because there was no money for a wedding. We worked hard building careers while raising our own four children. I called it living a full-time life because we truly lived every part of our lives – family, career, volunteer/community work, kids’ activities, etc. all full time.
With our last child launched, we were at a stage where we had disposable income, great careers, and then, boom!, Mike got diagnosed with Stage IV cancer. He battled courageously for two years and died in the midst of COVID-19. We were only allowed to have 45 people at his memorial service.
The first year after Mike died was really difficult. Sleeplessness, crying, loneliness and feeling like there was something more I could have done to save him. On the positive side, I had my career and our kids, which kept me moving forward and focused on other things. Year two was better, but still a lot of adjustment.
On the second anniversary of Mike’s death, I sat at my computer, as I do most days since our team now works remotely – and thought “if I’m sitting here in two more years, relying on work, my grown children and grandchildren for entertainment, I am not going to be living full time.”
From what I have witnessed from other friends, this life stage is pretty great. I’d also read a provocative article about the years we have and how we spend them and realized I’d like to see my aging mom more than a week this year. She lives across the country from me.
I am figuring out how to make the most out of the life I didn’t plan on leading. I enjoy close relationships with all four of our kids and their families. I’m also lucky to be in a fabulous job working for an equally fabulous employer. My role gives me much personal satisfaction and meaning.
I’m renting a place for a couple of weeks this winter to be near my mom, family and friends, where I will work remotely. I’m connecting with old friends who I don’t get to see that often, I’m trying new exercise routines, reading more for personal and professional growth, and seeking new activities, like writing a column.
As the poet Mary Oliver asked, “What is it you’re going to do with your one wild and precious life?”
I’m going to find out and encourage you to discover your own full-time life.
As the Boss said, “You gotta make the most of now.”
