When I was a young mother at the start of my journey, I often wondered if it was worth it, and further, if I could be successful as a working mother with a full-time job and growing family. At one particular juncture I asked myself – Where did I want to be in five years, 10 years, 20 years? Those years are going to come really fast. Rather than focus on the day at hand, I decided to take the long view. I am happy I did.
The first years of parenthood are very stressful. You’re likely questioning everything you’re doing. You’re not sure if you’re a good parent. You can be at odds with your partner. You may be questioning your daycare situation (it’s changeable). Suddenly you don’t feel you have what it takes to do your job. And your career might be in its early stages. Strive on sisters, and brothers too. My story might help you discern where you head as you are navigating long days at work and home, not enough hours in the day, a whole new set of stresses and unknowns, and where to go from here.
In 1987, when I became a mother, I was new to our adopted city of Portland and all my friends were coworkers of mine or my husband’s. Once our children went to school, I met a lot of mothers and a couple of progressive fathers who left the workforce with the birth of their children and became stay at home moms or dads (SAHM/Ds). They made things look a lot calmer and it appeared that they were able to make it on one salary. Coming from humble beginnings myself, raised by a single working mother who worked minimum wage jobs, taught me that it’s possible to work full-time and raise some pretty good people. Plus, my husband and I had student loans, a mortgage, car payments and all the general bills that come with raising children. With two professional jobs, it made financial sense for us to keep both “oars in the water.”
During a 30-year career as a working mother, I took two, two-year breaks from full-time work. (I did stay plugged in through small consulting gigs.) I loved these years and made new friends (all wonderful SAHMs), developed new hobbies, and had the benefits of comparing life “at home” versus life in the workforce.
At one low point in 1995, after having a spoon of yogurt thrown at me and living through a day of carrying around a darling but super clingy baby, I sat down and made a list of where I wanted to be in ten years.
In 2005, I would be a ripe old 44. I noted where my kids would be in 2005. Two would be in high school, and the clingy baby would be in 6th grade. Our fourth child (yes, she was planned!) would come four years later. Though I loved my time “at home” and I put this in quotes because you are never home – you’re running kids around constantly – I saw myself with a career. And I have a husband who does more than his fair share and would step up the house and kid duties if I re-entered the workforce.
Flash forward to now, age 55. My grown children are doing amazing things in the world. Our oldest is a lawyer/MBA working in real estate, the next is a teacher working full-time and in her last year of a doctoral program, the third is a newly minted college graduate in a wonderful first job and single girl apartment, and our baby is awaiting college admissions news from many great places. My career is peaking. Our kids are proud of their mama. Our marriage is thriving. Our early years’ fragile, financial position is stable. I no longer question the path we took as a family.
While I’ll never forget the pain of picking up our kids from grade school on the last day of school and having one of the judging moms say “Wow. So, I guess EVERYONE is picking up their own kids today?” I remind myself that those comments were rare, and there had to be something else going on with this person to be so cruel.
My advice to all you questioning the ability to make it through working and parenting is to take the long view. In the end, none of us really knows what we’re doing. But we’re trying our best. We’re seeing what works for us, for our family. Don’t give up on your career. It’ll be worth it.
This article was orginally published by workingmother.com in 2017.
2022 Update
I lost my husband, Mike, in 2020 after a two-year battle with stage 4 cancer. We were happily married for 35 years. I am now senior vice president, chief philanthropy officer at Providence, one of the nation’s largest health systems.
Ross is an attorney/MBA working in real estate married to Katie Craven Kelley with a baby daughter, Bridget.
Erin is married to Alex Hortsch. She earned her Ed.D. in neuroeducation and is working in the education sector. They have three girls – twins Hattie and Eloise, born in 2018, and Olive, born in 2020.
Catherine is living and working in Portland as a real estate broker in the neighborhood where she grew up.
Caroline has graduated from Santa Clara University and is working in marketing and PR in NYC.
